Betrayal and moving forward: the road goes ever on and on...

Everyone processes things differently.  Moving forward can be easier for some people than others.  I'm one of those people where it takes a long time to move forward from difficult experiences.  I take life very, very seriously.  I get very close to only a select number of people, so I value those relationships very deeply and intensely.  It's not that I don't WANT to move on.  I want to move on very much--but it's difficult for me.  Ever have someone you love and care for deeply completely and totally betray you?  It's a horrible experience.  I tend to think that all the effort and love I put into relationships and circumstances should somehow be returned to me equally, and it hurts me when it isn't.  But that happens a lot.  But that won't change who I am--I'm determined to keep giving others everything I have, even if they don't give it back.  I'll be a better person for it.

I was listening today to a recording of "Enduring it Well" on the Mormon channel--in particular the Episode "Fighting Fear with Faith" where the host Dr. Richard Cohen talked to Ed and Lois Smart about the abduction of their daughter Elizabeth Smart (there are a lot of great talks on a variety of topics on "Enduring it Well"--very worth a listen at about an hour for each episode).  I think everybody in Utah knows the story, so I won't go into the details of it.  Both Ed and Lois are faithful members of the LDS church, so it was very interesting to hear their take on the trial of having their daughter abducted.  One quote really struck me intensely (in the quote, "he" refers to Brian David Mitchell, the abductor of Elizabeth)

"He took 9 months of my life, and I'm not going to let him take any more of it!  I have so much more to live for than what this person has put me through or what this situation has brought to my life."

Ed and Lois Smart

Fantastic advice.  The person who has betrayed you may be someone that will eventually come back into your life, or maybe not.  It may be your choice (at least in part) if they do come back into your life or not.  But either way, no matter what they have done to you, it's up to YOU to not let them take any more of your life away.  To me, that has meant that after I have worked through and processed the event, it's up to me not to waste any more time dwelling on the past betrayal.  In a sense, not moving forward with your life and keeping on dwelling on the situation, trying to find a way to "get back" at them, living your life tip-toeing around what you think that person wants, is giving them even more power than they already have.  Whoever it is has already taken enough away from you.  Don't let them keep taking.  I'm not saying that you should suddenly be a jerk to this person by any means or avoid them unnecessarily if you still need to be in contact with them--not at all.  Each circumstance is different, but I am just trying to say that you shouldn't give them all the power and leave yourself at their mercy to continue to harm you and your life.  Care enough about yourself to move forward with your life and consider this betrayal just one piece of it.  Make it YOUR life again.  Don't let the betrayal become so consuming in your life that it changes how you feel about yourself, how you handle your life, and how you see other people.  Determine to rise above it.  It was a horrible experience, but think of all the possibilities ahead of you.  Your future is as bright as your faith.

My thoughts have also gone to the Savior.  He was perfect.  He never did anything wrong.  Ever.  Yet He had so many people betray Him, some of whom were His closest friends.  We're not alone in our experience of being betrayed.  We can cry to Him, very literally, and He will understand.

It can be tempting too to want to never trust people again.  I've been very, very tempted by this.  But the longer I live (I know I'm not that old, so so much for my sage advice), the more I feel that people are inherently good.  People make mistakes, but most people are really, truly doing the best they can.  Maybe even the person who betrayed you was doing the best they could (but that doesn't make what they did right).  What's worse: potentially getting hurt again by being willing to trust others, or never trusting anyone again and living a life of bitterness and suspicion?  I think you know what the answer is.  Finding that true friend that will stick with you no matter what is worth going through some heartaches a bad apple, as tough as that may be.  Trust too that God is looking out for your best interest.  He gives us trials to help us grow--but He also has good times and good people ahead.  Don't abandon hope in others.  God won't give up on us, so we shouldn't give up on humanity either.

I've also thought about this comforting realization: that there are many good things that have resulted for me from this horrible experience.  I would never wish this experience upon anyone, but I would also not take away what I have learned from this experience--which, in the end, means that although this has been, and still is, awful for me, I wouldn't change it.  I would never want to do it again, but I wouldn't change what has happened.  I've made other bonds stronger that would never have been formed without this trial that has caused me to turn to other resources.  I have become closer to God, and I have said some of the most real, sincere, and humble prayers I have ever said in my life.  I also believe that this experience will help me to be able to understand others in a way that I never could otherwise.  Sometimes (I dare safe often), our experiences are not just for us, but we experience them so we can bless other lives with what we learn and what we gain from it.

The betrayal is still going to be hard, but there is sunshine to be found if you look for it.

Remember:

"I, the Lord, do visit my people in their afflictions" Mosiah 24:14